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Bush Declares Opposition to Marriages Between a Man and a Flag

In a recent article by Andy Borowitz in Truthdig, it was reported that, as a definitive act of Independence Day Patriotism, President George W. Bush has proposed a constitutional amendment banning marriages between a man and a flag. Many important political observers believe that The President's amendment will become the critical issue, which will lead Republicans to a dramatic sweep of the 2006 midterm elections. According to the Borowitz report:

In a nationally televised address from the Oval Office, the president said that the proposed amendment was intended to protect two embattled American institutions: traditional marriage and the American flag.“We must define marriage as a union between a man and a woman, and not between a man and a flag,” Mr. Bush said. “Additionally, just as we seek to protect flags from being burned, we must protect them from being married.”

The president’s proposal seemed intended to cause trouble among congressional Democrats, many of whom have no stated opinion on the issue of man-flag unions.

But 2004 Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry was quick out of the box in response to the president’s speech, telling reporters, “Before the end of the day, I intend to have at least three or four different positions on this issue.”

On the other side of the aisle, Mr. Bush’s proposed amendment received immediate support from Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.), who suggested expanding its scope to ban marriage between a man and any inanimate object.

“We should not only forbid marriage between a man and a flag, we should also forbid it between a man and an inflatable love-doll,” he said, adding quickly, “Not that I know about that sort of thing.”

So that all of you have a chance to see just what these Flag-Marrying characters really look like, pictured below are two men who are very highly suspected by the FBI, CIA and NIA of being Married to Flags at this very moment:

I, hereby pledge allegiance that I, personally, will never, never, ever marry a flag or any other inanimate object, including plastic inflatable love-dolls. Thank you, Mr. President, for standing firm for our American tradition of moral values!

posted by D. Patrick Zimmerman, Psy.D.  # Monday, July 03, 2006